


holding onto something like you

by thefelixlee



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Jeon Wonwoo & Wen Jun Hui | Jun are Best Friends, Kim Mingyu & Xu Ming Hao | The8 are Best Friends, M/M, Minghao is kind of an asshole, Minor Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu, Sad, Sad Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Sad with a Happy Ending, Soft Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Wen Jun Hui | Jun is a Sweetheart, Xu Ming Hao | The8 is Bad at Feelings, Xu Ming Hao | The8-centric, but he totally doesnt mean too, i think thats his only role in this, i think this is good but i dont know so please dont hate on it, lovers to enemies to friends to lovers, mingyu literally only eats sandwichs, please dont hate him
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-04-20 19:01:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21999619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefelixlee/pseuds/thefelixlee
Summary: Minghao and Junhui used to be everything and then everything changes after one night..alternative title: you're happier aren't you
Relationships: Wen Jun Hui | Jun/Xu Ming Hao | The8
Comments: 7
Kudos: 61





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi i really hope you like this. im not sure if this is really good, im kind of scared that its bad, but please try and enjoy it :)

Despite what people might think, Minghao loved his boyfriend. A lot. Yeah, sometimes he rolled his eyes and scoffs at his childish behaviour, pushing him off him when he was clinging onto him, but Minghao did it out of his own version of love. He was only teasing Junhui. All his friends knew that he was completely and utterly head over heels in love with the older Chinese. Behind closed doors Minghao loves to cuddle and cling as much, if not more, than Junhui would. They had been dating for almost two years, which had been a long time coming, and when they announced their relationship to the group no one was surprised, he had even heard a couple, ‘it’s about time’ ring throughout the group. They all supported them and were there for them whenever either of them needed someone to talk too. They weren’t a couple who would fight often, which could seem surprising. However, they knew each other well enough to know when they were pressing too hard or when they just needed a moment to themselves. Though there were moments where one would raise their tone or sincerely roll their eyes and scoff at something the other had said, but the times were rare and were often resolved quickly. Despite this, they had their flaws, like any other human, and they would sometimes get in the way. It was Minghaos pride that clouded his judgement and got in the way and ended their relationship.

  
  


:/

  
  


It happened on a relatively normal Thursday night. Minghao was lying on his bed, papers and textbooks littered in front of him. One half of the bed was filled with experimental sketches and the other half was filled with textbooks full of art history. The art major was splitting his study time trying to work on his latest assignment and studying for his exam that was coming up in a couple weeks. Junhui on the other hand was sat in the middle of the room, papers and textbooks surrounding him. Pencils, pens and highlighters sat in a pile near his foot, and he was scribbling at a dangerously fast pace, most of it likely illegible to anyone but him, working on an assignment half his grade for the whole semester. Both of them had been going at this for almost seven hours straight, the only times they would stop was for a short bathroom break and then they would be once again stuck back in their work. Neither of them had eaten or drank something in over eight hours and it was nearing two in the morning. To put it lightly, their bodies were probably slowly shutting down. 

  
  


By the time the clock was hitting a quarter past two, Junhui was becoming more and more aware of the way his body was begging him to stop or to at least take a proper break. He blinked a couple times, before rubbing his eyes and twisting his back which made the dull ache he was growing used to hit him at full force. He stood up and stretched a couple times before he held his hands out to his boyfriend. When he didn’t take the time to notice, Junhui rolled his eyes and chuckled softly. 

  
  


“Okay, I think it’s time we take a little break. We’ve been working for almost…” he checks the clock hanging on the wall and his eyes widen. “Okay, yeah we definitely need to take a break. We’ve been at this for almost like eight hours.” His voice was clear and had the softest hint of a chuckle. 

  
  


Still preoccupied by the piece of paper and pen in his hand, Minghao just murmurs, “I really can’t right now Junnie.” 

  
  


Not realising what he was about to cause Junhui just chuckles and says, “I think if I can take a break from my assignment then so can you.” 

  
  


Now, the logical side of Minghao’s brain interprets this sentence as, ‘_ The assignment I am working on right now is half my grade and really important. So if I fail I’ll probably fail my whole course for this semester. But if I can take a break from working on this then you can take a break from an assignment and an exam that’s only worth twenty five percent each for just this term. _ However, the tired and hungry and ‘i just want to finish this assignment’ side of his brain interprets this as, ‘ _ Seriously Minghao, if I can stop working on my really important BUSINESS major assignment then you can stop working on your lowly art assignment. _And sadly it was the tired and hungry side of his brain that he decided to interpret and react too. 

  
  


So he turns to Junhui, a glare evident on his face and says, “Oh I’m sorry that my assignment is not as important as yours.” 

  
  


“No wait,” Junhui says. “I’m really tired. I didn’t mean that. How about we just forget about all this for a little bit and go get some food to get our brains back into gear.” 

  
  


The smile on Junhui’s face is anything but spiteful, but Minghao is tired and hungry, and he is starting to grow angry with all his emotions not working probably and the only option he had was to roll his eyes and snap at him. 

  
  


“You must think you’re so high and mighty compared to me, huh?” His tone is cold and full of venom. 

  
  


The confused look on Junhui’s face is almost enough to get him to stop. The older man lets out a small, “no?”

  
  


“Oh really? Just because you’re doing some stupid business major doesn’t make you smarter than me. Yeah I might be doing a double major in art and dance. But I’m not fucking stupid okay?” 

  
  


And honestly, Junhui tries to say something. But the poor guy is so confused and tired that all that comes out of his mouth are a handful of stutters before he simply ends it with a small, “huh?”

  
  


“I’m not like that Jun. I’m not you. I don’t need to act like a child and hang off people for attention. And my brain isn’t as small and stupid as yours. So can you stop treating me like I’m not as ‘cool’ and ‘special’ and as ‘smart’ as you.” 

  
  


He pauses for a second and he knows what he has said has hurt Junhui, but he is so angry that he just can’t stop and he knows everything he is saying is fake but at this point he just wants to hurt Junhui. He uses his insecurities against him and he doesn’t feel bad about it at all.

  
  


“You think we like how clingy and childish you act? We don’t. We find it annoying. The only reason why all the other guys hang out with you and pretend they like you is because of ME! So yeah you aren’t as cool as you think you are. And you know all those other ‘friends’ you have that hang around you, they only do that because they think you’re a pretty face. And you know what. Maybe that’s all you are. Maybe that’s all you’re good for.” By the time he finishes Minghao is yelling and he’s panting from talking so fast, and he knows he has really hurt Junhui, but he can’t find it in himself to care. He is just so angry. 

  
  


Junhui is sitting in front of him frozen. His lip is trembling slightly and the tears in his eyes are threatening to fall, but he doesn’t let them. Junhui doesn’t move for a little bit, almost as if he is waiting for Minghao to apologise or for something to happen for him to realise he is being pranked. When nothing happens and Minghao just keeps looking at him with a dirty glare, he slowly wipes his eyes and starts to pick up all of his things. 

  
  


“I think I should go.” He says when he has collected all his belongings. His voice is shaky and Minghao can hear the sob built up in his throat, but all he does is turn back to his assignment and roll his eyes. He doesn’t watch Junhui walk out. He doesn’t care how he’s getting home, knowing that Junhui doesn’t have a car. And he doesn’t care how badly he affected Junhui’s feelings. 

  
  


:/

  
  


The next morning when Minghao wakes up, he simply gets out of bed and walks into the kitchen. It’s almost twelve and he has a class that starts at two. He walks over to the coffee pot and turns it on. His roommate is standing at the counter, making a sandwich. He closes his eyes and waits for the coffee to be done. He doesn’t say anything until he hears his roommate start to talk.

  
  


“Yo Hao, are you all good?” 

  
  


Minghao opens his eyes and turns towards Mingyu and nods. “Yeah why?”

  
  


Mingyu just shrugs. “Yeah, I kinda heard you yelling last night.”

  
  


“Oh you heard all that, sorry.” MInghao turns back to the coffee pot hearing it almost finish. 

  
  


“Well, I didn’t really understand anything. You were yelling in Mandarin. But I kinda got the gist that you and Junnie-hyung had a fight.” 

  
  


Minghao just nods, grabbing the cup of coffee, bringing it to his mouth and savouring the taste on his tongue. He thinks back on last night and all he really remember is yelling at Junhui and thinking about how tired he was. 

  
  


“Yeah. Junhui probably won’t be around for awhile.”

  
  


Mingyu does takes a small intake of breath and he says, “Junhui, huh? I guess it was pretty bad if you’re calling him that. I don’t know if I like hearing that more than your disgustingly sweet pet names for each other. But on a serious note, did you guys break up?” 

  
  


MInghao doesn’t really know how to answer the question, because in all honesty he doesn’t know. So he shrugs and says, “I don’t know. I think for now we’re just taking a break from each other.” 

  
  


MIngyu nods in understanding. “Well if you need me. I’m here for you bud. But I gotta head to class. So just call me if you need me. We can have your favourite for dinner tonight if you want?” 

  
  


“Sounds like a plan.” Minghao says chuckling. 

  
  


He takes a sip out of his coffee and watches as the taller wraps up his sandwich and all but runs out the door. 

  
  


“Bye Hao.”

  
  


MInghao doesn’t say anything but he smiles into his coffee. He doesn’t move from the kitchen as he finishes his cup of coffee, but as he is taking his last sip he feels his phone in his pocket vibrate. So he puts the cup in the sink and pulls out his phone.

  
  


**junniebabie**

im sorry

  
  


All Minghao does is roll his eyes and pocket his phone. 

  
  


:/

  
  


A week later Minghao is found sitting at a crowded booth with the rest of his friends. He’s happily munching on his noodles ignoring the way the rest of his friends are communicating to each other through their eyes. He doesn’t even realise that something is wrong until he hears Jeonghan call his name. 

  
  


“Minghao, I think it’s time you tell us what happened with you and Jun.”

  
  


“Only is you want too though.” Seungcheol butts in. 

  
  


“It’s been a week and we haven’t heard anything from Junnie and you haven’t said anything about him. We’re kind of worried.” Jeonghan continues. His eyes are soft and Minghao knows he means well. 

  
  


Minghao must have rolled his eyes or made some face at Junhui’s name though, because everyone thinks they’ve struck a nerve. Taking one more bite of his noodles before he puts down his chopsticks and takes a sip of his water he decides it’s probably best if the others knew what happened. 

  
  


“Okay, I’ll tell you. So last thursday night Junhui and I were studying like we normally do. And around two he said something about taking a break. And just a little bit before he said anything I had finally come up with an idea for my art assignment. So I’m writing it all down and he’s like ‘let's take a break’ but i was like ‘not right now I just had an idea or something’. So I went back to writing, and then I hear him laugh and he’s all like ‘if I can take a break from my really important assignment I think you can take a break from your art assignment.’ You guys should have heard how he said it. It was like he thought my assignment was nothing compared to his. Like just because I was studying art. So I got angry at him about it but he just tried to ignore what I was saying. I was so angry and then we fought a bit and then he left.” 

  
  


Everyone kinda just looks at Minghao like they’re trying to take in what he said, trying to figure out how to respond.

  
  


“I mean, you guys know how hard it was for me to even study art and dance because of how much my parents were against it. And now my boyfriend and the actual love of my life for the past two years basically gives me shit for it. It really hurt me. But then I realised why let someone shit on something you love doing.” He shrugged and took another bite of his noodles. 

  
  


“I can’t believe Junnie-hyung would say that. That’s really fucking rude.” Mingyu whispered as he took a bite of his sandwich. 

  
  


“I guess it really is the ones you least expect.” Seungkwan answers. 

  
  


Soonyoung and Vernon just nod their heads in response. 

  
  


“I don’t think I can really talk to Junhui-hyung anymore. Especially not after he said that.” Chan murmurs. A couple of them nod along.

  
  


Minghao smiles, “you guys really don’t have to do that.”

  
  


“We don’t have too. But no one is messing with our prince of China.” Soonyoung winks, putting his arm around him. 

  
  


Minghao smiles and feels like everything is going to be okay.

  
  


:/

  
  


As time goes on and Minghao doesn’t think about Junhui anymore. Sure there are times he sees something that reminds him of the older, and a small feeling of want and sadness hits him, but then he’s reminded of what happened that night and tries to forget about how much he misses him. Minghao doesn’t see Junhui around campus, not that he is particularly looking for him and he hasn’t seen him on social media, but that more because he unfollowed him on everything. Sometimes he does wonder what Junhui is up too and how his life is going, because he does miss him sometimes, but he tries to convince himself he doesn’t care at all. He avoids going near the restaurant and cafe that Junhui works at and life goes on. Minghao is doing good. He is happy, he has his friends and he is excelling in both his majors. He doesn’t try to date again because he finds himself not needing too. Minghao finds himself in his highest point of life. Slowly as time passes he finds himself forgetting why he was ever really angry at Junhui and only hopes that the older is as happy as he is. 

  
  


:/

  
  


It’s not until a year later when Minghao sees Junhui again. He was in the library with Joshua, Seokmin, and Jihoon studying for his upcoming finals when he sees him. At first he didn’t even realise it was Junhui. He’s sitting in the far corner, books and papers sitting in piles in front of him. He looks stressed. MInghao remembers the way Junhui’s face would scrunch up as he would read something important. He remembers smoothing his face out with his thumbs and how he would kiss each cheek just to get him to smile. But there’s something different about him. It’s not just how the way he was sitting hunched over makes him look really small, but his stress seems to be emitting from every pore of his body. Minghao wants to go over there and ask him if he’s okay. But he stops himself, it’s not his place anymore. He realises he must have zoned out looking at him because Joshua’s voice shocks him out of his trance.

  
  


“Are you okay Hao? You kinda just zoned out.” 

  
  


He just nods, but he’s still stuck looking at Junhui. The others must realise he’s looking at something because they turn their attention to where Minghao has been staring, more importantly they turn their attention onto Junhui. 

  
  


“Oh, do you wanna leave?” Seokmin asks. 

  
  


And honestly bless his heart, but Minghao just laughs. 

  
  


“It’s a free country,” He jokes. “I’m fine, don't worry. I just haven’t seen him in a while.” 

  
  


He turns his attention back onto the study notes in front of him and after a couple seconds the others seem to as well. However, even though Minghao seems to be reading over his notes he can’t get his mind off Junhui. He looks different. He’s changed. Minghao can tell he’s skinner and paler, even under the bagger jumper - which is also different because Junhui would always wear clothes that fit his body and make him look good, not to be that guy, he was just proud of his body and he liked showing it off. His hair is also black, which is a little weird to see, Minghao wasn’t used to such a natural colour. He was used to bright vibrant colours like pink or purple or blue. Black was just so normal, so unlike Junhui. He’s also wearing glasses, which isn’t a bad thing he looks cute, it was just surprising. Lord knows he needed them he was blind as a bat, but he would always tell Minghao that beauty is pain and that he’ll just deal with it. Minghao would just slap him across the head and laugh. Looking at him, Minghao knows its Junhui because that’s Junhui’s face and his stupid cat pencil case, but he doesn’t even look like the same person he was a year ago. Something about it unsettles Minghao, but he decides he can’t stay hung up over it so he goes back to actually studying and not thinking about his ex boyfriend. Another hour passes and the boys come to the conclusion that they’re hungry so they start packing up and as he’s leaving Minghao looks over to where Junhui was sitting and finds him still sitting there, looking no closer to leaving than he was almost two hours ago and something about that turns the unsettling feeling in Minghaos stomach to guilt and he doesn’t know why. He tries to shake it off but all he can think as he walks out was that he made a mistake. 

  
  


:/

  
  


There were moments when Minghao thought to himself, ‘you know what Mingyu is an idiot’. But most of the time afterwards he would think, ‘whelp he’s my idiot.’ And yeah most of the time Minghao finds himself wanting to slap the other or just tell him to ‘fuck off’ just because he can, but that mainly due to the fact that he’s his best friend and he spends literally every day with him. But he loves him. So when Mingyu finally confessed his feelings to Wonwoo after almost every night complaining about, ‘wow Wonwoo looked good today,’ or ‘man Wonwoo makes me want to stab myself in the chest why won’t he loved me.’ Minghao was ecstatic for him. However the couple decided that Minghao’s and Mingyu’s place was the one they were going to hang out in. Which made sense, Wonwoo shares his apartment with Soonyoung and Jihoon and Minghao would rather get hit by three cars and a bus then live them - don’t get him wrong he loves them both he just wouldn't want to live with them. However most of the time it was chill because Minghao also liked hanging out with Wonwoo. 

  
  


A couple weeks after seeing Junhui in the library, Minghao is sitting in his apartment with Mingyu and Wonwoo playing their weekly game of Mario Kart. Mingyu was screaming how Wonwoo was cheating - like he does every week before he gets all sulky then he heads to the kitchen and makes a sandwich, then returns and won’t share it with anyone. On this particular tuesday afternoon, nothing was different, Mingyu has already made his sandwich and Wonwoo was taking small secret bites out of it. Minghao was happy, and the little pit of unease that sat in his stomach had become a regular feeling. It wasn’t until Wonwoo’s phone rang that the feeling inside his stomach began to grow. When the familiar tunes started playing they all looked to the phones on the table to see which of their phones it was that was ringing and that’s when they all saw the name. Wonwoo was quick to pick the phone up and walk into another room, but Minghao knew the name, and he knew it well. The familiar ‘_ ~Junnie~’ _sits heavy in his stomach and it obviously showed on his face because Mingyu is quick to speak up. 

  
  


“They’re still kinda friends, that doesn’t bother you, does it? Cause I can totally talk to Wonwoo if you want.” Mingyu tries to smile, but it looks really awkward that Minghao can’t help but laugh.

  
  


“Honestly it’s fine. Junhui is allowed to have his own friends and so is Wonwoo.” 

  
  


As if he has to make the situation better, Mingyu tries to explain their relationship. “When it all happened last year we all stopped really talking to Junhui-hyung. So it’s not like they’re still best friends. But a little while ago I think they ran into each other so Wonwoo invited him to have lunch with him. Because you know they used to be best friends and I guess they missed each other. Wonwoo told me afterwards that he was I guess worried for Jun-hyung. I don’t really know I think he said that he just looked really stressed, so they started having lunch together every week or so. And… Well I don’t know if I should say this, but Junhui-hyung has got stuff going on at home and he can’t go back to China, so that’s also stressing him out. I don’t really know the whole story. Wonwoo doesn’t really talk about him and I don’t try and push. But yeah. You sure you don’t mind?”

  
  


Minghao doesn’t know what Mingyu said to trigger all the memories of that night. But suddenly he’s sitting there and he’s reminded of everything. The way Junhui tried to get him to take a break, the way Minghao blew up in his face, all the harsh words he said. Everything. And suddenly he feels sick, like he wants to throw up. Then he remembers that lunch where he told everyone that Junhui was an asshole to him and Minghao is starting to realise that he was the asshole. Suddenly all the guilt that has been sitting in a small pool in his stomach hits him like a train and he doesn’t know what to do. His head is spinning and he’s sure he is close to throwing up. 

  
  


“Hao, are you okay? I can talk to Wonwoo if it really is a problem. Just tell me the truth.” He looks sincere and everything in his eyes makes Minghao want to feel better, but they just make him feel more sick. 

  
  


He shakes his head and answers, “uh, no it’s fine. I just uh, I’m not, I haven’t thought about him in a while. Like I said before. Wonwoo is his own person and so is Junhui.”

  
  


Mingyu takes his answer as fact and picks his sandwich up and takes a bite out of it and turns back to the screen. At that moment, Wonwoo walks back into the room and Minghao want to say something, ask if Junhui is okay, but he doesn’t get too. Wonwoo walks over to them and picks his car keys off that coffee table and kisses Mingyu’s head. 

  
  


“I gotta head out guys. I’ll see you later Hao and I’ll text you later Gyu.” He offers them a small wave before he leaves and Minghao can’t help the worry that sets into his face. 

  
  


Mingyu obviously notices it because he just rolls his eyes and says, “if it was something important or serious Wonwoo would have said something. So don’t worry. Plus you have nothing to worry about. You guys are history.” 

  
  


Minghao can’t help but feel like even if something bad did happen to Junhui, he’d be the last person anyone told. As well as that, the guilt isn’t settling down inside of him and if anything it’s starting to grow. After that Mingyu changes the game to some movie, Minghao waits until the movie is finished before he excuses himself to his room to cry. 

  
  


:/

  
  


The guilt inside of him doesn’t go away like he thought it might. If anything it’s stronger than ever and it’s really starting to affect him. The other day he couldn’t get out of bed because the guilt has spread to his entire body and he couldn’t move. Mingyu had walked in at one point and asked if he was okay, but nothing inside of him was working so he just laid there and didn’t move. Never in Minghao’s life had he felt so upset and he knew that all of it was his fault, everything he was feeling he knew he deserved. And that was the worst part. He knew he deserved every piece of pain he was feeling, because Junhui had probably felt something three times as bad. He didn’t realise how badly he had fucked up until they were all eating lunch together and as they all talked and laughed Minghao couldn’t help but watch them as they just conversed and went about life. This was something he had taken away from Junhui. Loving friends and a family. Everyone was so quick to just side with Minghao and they just deserted Junhui, like he was nothing, over fake news. As he sat at the table Minghao realised he had not only kept Junhui away from these guys, but he’d kept them away from Junhui. 

  
  


He knew how much they loved him. He remembers when they first started dating how Wonwoo had sat him down and jokingly said, ‘if you hurt him I won’t hesitate to hurt you.’ How Jeonghan, Joshua and Seungcheol had started a group chat with him to help him take Junhui on some of the best dates be as Joshua stated, ‘he only deserves the best, right?’ Jihoon and Soonyoung had said something similar to Wonwoo, but coming from Jihoon it didn’t feel as funny. He knew how much Jihoon cared for Junhui, being one of his only friends when he had first come to Korea. Mingyu loved Junhui and he loved whenever he was over the apartment because they just talked about literally anything. Seokmin and Seungkwan loved to pull small pranks on Junhui because they knew he wouldn’t react harshly and would only laugh when he found out it was a joke. Vernon loved just talking with Junhui because as much as people viewed them as air heads they are both wise beyond their ages. And Chan loved Junhui’s hugs, they all did, because Junhui just hugged you like you had never been hugged before. 

  
  


And he ruined it for both sides. He not only ruined his relationship, and Junhui’s friend circle, but he broke his friends trust, and he lied to them without even realising. And he didn’t know how to fix it, because he didn’t know how to apologise for something that happened so long ago. 

  
  


‘Junhui’s probably doing fine, so there is no reason to feel this stressed over it, to feel so guilty.’ He thought to himself. 

  
  


However as he looked down at the food in front of he felt nothing but nausea. 

  
  


:/

  
  


Over the passing week Minghao had learnt to deal with the constant nausea and guilt that seemed to be following him around. Usually if he occupied his brain enough with art or dancing it wouldn’t bother him too much, but he could always feel it and it was always there. He spent most of the time he was alone trying to convince his mind that Junhui was fine and he didn’t need to be worrying as much as he found him doing. His mind seemed to always be clouded lately, always in another place. Half of his brain kept telling him he shouldn’t be so worried, yet the other keep fighting back with horrible ideas of what he had done to Junhui. 

  
  


That’s where his mind was when he was walking to his dance lesson on that wednesday afternoon. His mind was off with the wind slowly breaking down from stressing so hard that he didn’t realise that he had ran into another student and knocked them down. The student had dropped all of their books and papers and in an instant had dropped to the ground to pick them up. Minghao could hear them start to mutter out a string of apologises as they picked up their glasses and put them on their face. Coming out of his shock, knowing he was already late for class, Minghao dropped to the ground to help the poor guy pick up all his belongings. After a couple of seconds, of still hearing the guy mumble out apologies, Minghao could hear the guys voice turn shaky almost as if he was going to cry. Feeling overwhelming awful Minghao tried to make him feel better.

  
  


“Don’t worry dude, it was totally an accident, and if anyone is to blame it’s me.” He tried to make it into a joke but as he finally looked the guy in the face, his heart stopped. 

  
  


Crouched right in front of him, like the universe wanted to play a joke on him, was hi ex boyfriend. The same ex boyfriend he had exiled from his life for no good reason. THe same ex boyfriend he couldn’t get out of his mind for the past couple weeks. Looking at him, Minghao could hear his heart slowly break. The way Junhui is looking at him is heartbreaking. His eyes are wide from shock and filled with tears. He looks so scared, so scared of Minghao. He thought the pain he’d been feeling the last week had been bad enough, looking into Junhui’s eyes was a new kind of pain, a pain he wouldn’t wish on his worst enemies. 

  
  


“I, I’m, um, I am sorry Minghao. I-I’m r-really sorry. I um, I wasn’t l-looking where I was going and I’ve had a r-really long week and I, I, I’m so so sorry.” 

  
  


Junhui’s voice is shaking so harshly that most of the words that come out of his mouth are stuttered and mumbled, and Minghao has trouble understanding everything he’s saying. His hands are trembling, and not ‘I’m a little nervous trembling’ it’s ‘I’m terrified’ trembling. The tears that were just pooling in his eyes have started to fall and he looks close to a panic attack. 

  
  


“It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” Minghao tries to say, but Junhui has already taken the papers from his hands and all but sprinted away. 

  
  


All of the times Minghao had imagined seeing Junhui again. This was not one of them. He imagined Junhui getting mad at him, yelling at him or exposing him to all of their friends. But seeing him breakdown over something as simple as running into him was never something Minghao imagined. He was shocked, he couldn’t move. He sat in the middle of the ground, dance bag fallen off his shoulder and mouth frozen open. He couldn’t move. He thought he truly knew pain, but he’s starting to realise he didn’t just cause pain, he ruined Junhui. He ruined Junhui. 

  
  


With that final thought it was like something inside of him broke, maybe it was the overwhelming guilt he had been feeling this past month, or maybe it just just looking at how fragile Junhui looked. But he snapped out of his shock and burst into tears. He got up, completely ignoring his dance class and the constant vibrations he could feel from his phone in his pocket and he ran home. 

  
  


:/

  
  


Minghao can’t remember the ten minutes he spent running back to his apartment. He doesn’t remember guiding himself or how he got there or how he didn’t at least get hit by a car. Bursting into the apartment he knows Mingyu and Wonwoo are going to be there, probably making out on the couch because god forbid they use Mingyu’s bed. He storms past them, shocking them apart, and races to his room. He locks the door and falls to the ground. He’s pitiful and he knows this. Everything is slowly crumbling down around him and it’s his fault. Minghao remembers the nights he spent laying next to Junhui watching him sleep. He remembers promising to love him forever and to never hurt him. He remembers just holding Junhui and never wanting to do anything else with his life. He missed Junhui and he has no right too. 

  
  


A soft knock comes through the door and Mingyu’s voice soons rings out. “Are you okay Hao? What happened? Do I need to beat someone up.” 

  
  


Minghao knows Mingyu is just trying to get him to laugh, but it just makes him feel worse and cry louder.

  
  


“Good job asshat, you made him cry more.” Wonwoo’s voice is soft when he speaks. “Minghao, you need to open the door so we can help you.”

  
  


He doesn’t want too, but he’s been drowning for too long, and he knows they’re going to hate him but he has no choice. He knows he has to fix this or his body would implode into himself. It takes a couple seconds but he pulls himself from the ground and opens the door. The concerned looks on both of their faces makes Minghao break down, because he’s the last person that deserves the concern and worry.

  
  


“I’m so sorry. You can hate me as much as you want, but I need you to know that I am so sorry. I wasn’t thinking straight. Not that it matters. I fucking fucked up. I fucked up so badly. I’m so so sorry. Please you have to realise I’m so sorry. I didn’t know and then I remembered and I feel so bad. My body is hurting so much and I know I deserve it and I’m so sorry.” Minghao doesn’t know how much was actually coherent and lucid, but he’d pretty sure they got the message. Tears were streaming down his face, and he was hiccuping his way through half the words. It wasn’t a pretty look. But it didn’t matter as long as they knew he was sorry. 

  
  


Leading him over to the couch, Mingyu made Minghao sit down. Mingyu motioned for Wonwoo to grab the tissue box from the kitchen. He grabbed the box as well as a glass of water and placed them both on the coffee table. 

  
  


“Hao,” Mingyu took a deep breath. “What happened hun?”

  
  


Minghao could only shake his head.

  
  


“We can’t help if you don’t tell us what’s wrong.” Wonwoo chimed in. 

  
  


“You can’t help me!” Minghao exclaimed. 

  
  


His voice must have come out louder than he expected because both of the boys flinched. 

  
  


“Why can’t we help?” Wonwoo asked.

  
  


“Because,” His voice broke. “I already ruined everything.”

  
  


It was quiet for a couple of seconds. Wonwoo took the time to sit on the other side of Minghao. 

  
  


“Why don’t you walk us through what happened.” Mingyu offered. 

  
  


Minghao took a deep breath. “You need to firstly understand, I am so sorry. Honestly I am. I really didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

  
  


“Any of what to happen?” Mingyu asked.

  
  


Wonwoo rolled his eyes flicked his forehead. “Let him talk you idiot.”

  
  


“I completely understand if you guys don’t want to be my friend after this.”

  
  


“Hao-”

  
  


“Let me talk. Don’t interrupt, okay? You can talk once i’ve finished.”

  
  


Minghao waited for them both to nod before he continued.

  
  


“You remember when Junhui and I had that massive fight? Well I never tried to think about it after it happened. I guess I was so angry about everything he said I just blocked it out. I couldn’t bear to think about it. Well about a month or two ago I saw him in the library. And I don’t know what it was, but he was just so different. He looked physically different, but, and this is gonna sound so dumb, but his vibe was just off. And honestly I felt weird. I didn’t know why but I felt guilty. And I kept thinking, ‘What why am I the one feeling guilty? I did nothing wrong.’”

  
  


He stopped for a second, a hiccup making its way through his throat. A few tears fell from his eyes. Mingyu was quick to grab a tissue and hand it too Minghao.

  
  


“Sorry, I just kept thinking that. ‘Why am I feeling this way? I have no right to.’ And then that day when Junhui rang Wonwoo. I don’t know what triggered it. But suddenly I just remembered everything that happened that night. The one where we fought. And Junhui, he… h-he.”

  
  


Minghao trailed off and rubbed his face. This was it. This was when they found out how disgusting and rude he truly was. This was when they stopped being friends with him and he was fine with it. Well, not really. But he could at least understand why. 

  
  


“Junhui did nothing wrong.”

  
  


“What? What do you mean Jun did nothing wrong?” It wasn’t Mingyu who asked, it was Wonwoo and there was a tone in his voice. A tone that sounded similar to anger. MInghao could understand.

  
  


“He, Junhui, he, I, I just, I-i.”

  
  


“Minghao, what exactly do you mean by, Junhui did nothing wrong.”

  
  


“Wonwoo, calm down.” Mingyu softly added. 

  
  


“Wonwoo, look. I didn’t know at the time. I was so angry and tired and hungry and, and, and I was so angry and I know that’s not a good reason, but. I fucked up, so badly. A-and I yelled at him and I said so many disgusting things, things that I am so ashamed off. And I didn’t know. I didn’t realise. So after that night when I never saw him again I thought he was fine. I thought that he was just going about his life. That he was with his other friends. That he was happy.”

  
  


“He’s not,” Wonwoo cut in.

  
  


“I know that now.” Minghao softly added.

  
  


Wonwoo’s face was blank, he was keeping it that way so he didn’t give off how he was truly feeling. 

  
  


“I ran into him like an hour ago. And I basically caused him to have a panic attack just by looking at me.”

  
  


“You what?” Wonwoo asked, standing to his feet. 

  
  


“It was only then that I realised how badly I fucked up. I honestly didn’t know. I promise I didn’t mean for this to happen.I honestly am, I’m so fucked up.” 

  
  


Wonwoo’s face changed and Minghao could clearly see a stern glare. His mouth opened just as his phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket and his face softened slightly. 

  
  


“Speak of the devil,” He mumbled. “Look, what you did was fucked and a dick move. And as much as I want to be angry at you, and believe me I want too very badly, you made a mistake and all this happened a year ago. You have two choices, wallow in your sadness or apologise. Not right now, but soon. I’m going to Jun’s to make sure he’s okay. I’m not going to try and fix this because this is your mess and you need to fix it.”

  
  


He walked over, grabbed his keys, kissed Mingyu, and answered the phone all before he walked out the door. 

  
  


It was quiet for a while after he left. Minghao didn’t dare look into Mingyu’s eyes in fear of disappointment and disgust. 

  
  


“Dude.” 

  
  


“I know.”

  
  


“I know it was a dick move, but like Won said, it’s already happened. You can’t freak out over what happened. You do need to apologise though. Like go find him tomorrow and talk to him. Because as much as you need to apologise Junnie’s going to need to know everything you said wasn’t true. And as angry as I am for you actually saying anything bad about him, he needs to know nothing about that is true.”

  
  


“I told him everyone hated him.” Minghao whispered.

  
  


Mingyu put a hand on his shoulder, “we don’t. None of us hate him. I don’t think it’s possible to hate him. I’m pretty sure we all miss him.”

  
  


“I can’t believe I made you guys stop being his friend. Especially in the time he needed you guys most.”

  
  


“Look,” Mingyu said. “You didn’t make us do anything. We, us, not you, tried to be good friends and back you up. We were his friends too, bad ones, we should have gone to him for his side too. Look, why don’t you go make a cup of tea, eat a sandwich or something, go to bed and figure out what you’re going to say to him and sleep. That’s your best bet right now.” 

  
  


Minghao didn’t move for a second, and then he nodded and stood up. He walked into the kitchen and did just that. He grabbed the biggest cup, made a bowl of noodles, wrapped himself in the largest blanket on his bed and tried to figure out what he was going to say. By the time he had drunk all his tea and finished his bowl of noodles, he was tired. It probably was his emotional turmoil and all the tears he cried, so as he closed his eyes to fall asleep he spent every conscious second trying to figure out what he was going to say. 

  
  


:/

  
  


Minghao stood in front of a very familiar door. It looked exactly like all the others in the apartment complex, but at the same time it looked completely different. Maybe it was because he had actually been inside of this one. Maybe it was because he used to know the person inside of it or maybe he was just delusional. He’d been standing outside the door for a good couple of minutes now, he’d worked up the courage to actually make his way up the stairs and stand in front of the door. But so far he hadn’t made a move to actually knock on the door. He had spent the entire morning rehersign what he was going to say, but now here, in front of Junhui’s apartment, he had no idea what he was going to say. None of the words were making sense in his head. Everything looked akin to chicken scratch. 

  
  


He eventually knocks. 

  
  


Because Junhui deserves it. He has been repeating that in his head all morning. ‘Junhui deserves at least an apology’. It doesn’t matter how much he doesn’t want to do this, Junhui deserves this. 

  
  


When nothing happens, he knocks again. 

  
  


Knocking one more time, after nothing happening, he goes to turn when he hears the lock click. His back stills as he sees the door open. Junhui’s face peeks out the door and Minghao can see his eyes widen as he recognises who is there. It’s Minghao, an actual asshole. They both just stand there not saying anything for a couple seconds. Junhui’s face is mostly covered by the door and Minghao is fiddling with his hands. Eventually it’s Minghao who actually says anything. 

  
  


“Hey Junhui.” He says like an idiot. 

  
  


Junhui’s face, for as little as he can see, is red. He doesn’t know if it’s from crying or if he’s embarrassed, or whatever. 

  
  


“I was wondering if we could talk, if that was okay with you of course.” 

  
  


Junhui’s eyebrows scrunch and he looks like he’s thinking, then a moment later the door opens more and Junhui motions for him to step inside. So he follows. 

  
  


‘It’s different.’ Is his first thought as he looks around. 

  
  


He doesn’t know why he thinks that, because essentially it looks the same. There are plants in pots, colourful flowers sitting by the windowsill and his couch is still filled with blankets and pillows. However, all the photos are missing and that makes it feel not like Junhui. Minghao loved taking photos and Junhui loved taking them from him. All the frames that hung on the walls and on tables were gone, which makes sense but it doesn’t feel right. It makes everything feel dull, feel unjust. Unright. As he makes his way over the couch, where Junhui had led him, he spots a familiar cat and he can’t help but smile. He might feel like he’s in a foreign place, but the cat makes everything feel a little more right. 

  
  


As they sit on the couch Minghat notices how different Junhui is. It’s been a year and yet he’s still shocked. He has no right to be shocked, but he is. Junhui has a pillow on his lap and he’s fidgeting with the tassels on the end, he’s keeping his eyes anywhere but Minghao and he looks tired, drain. Minghao can see the slight tremble in his hand and as much as he wants to grab a hold of his hand, he holds himself back, he has no right. 

  
  


“I wanted to apologise.” Minghao starts off saying, but he is quickly interrupted. 

  
  


“No, no, it’s totally okay. I was the one who ran into yesterday. I wasn’t really looking where I was going. I’m really sorry.” Junhui’s voice is quiet and small and so unlike Junhui that Minghao physically hurts. 

  
  


Minghao was shocked for a second, he didn’t expect Junhui to be the one to apologise to him, especially after everything that Minghao has done to him. And he doesn’t expect him to be apologising over a simple run in. 

  
  


“No, actually, not about that, though you don’t need to apologise over that. It’s totally okay. I actually wanted to apologise for what, well, I want to apologise for last year.” Minghao lets out a breath. “You know when I said all that shit to you.” He adds when he sees Junhui’s confusion. 

  
  


No one really says anything until Junhui softly replies with, “oh that’s okay.”

  
  


And Minghao honestly thought he was hearing things. Out of all the responses and circumstances he thought he was going to face with this conversation with Junhui, ‘that’s okay’, was not one of them. 

  
  


“No Junhui, it’s not okay. I was completely out of line. Everything I said was a lie. Everything I said was disgusting and you really should be yelling and screaming at me right now. It’s what I deserve.” 

  
  


Junhui just lets loose a small smile, and Minghao would be lying if his heart stopped for a second. 

  
  


“It’s okay, because, well because what you said had some truth to it.”

  
  


Minghao tries to cut in but Junhui holds his hand up.

  
  


“It was true. After you said all that stuff. I had time to think. And I realised that I was everything you had said. I was annoying and childish and loud. So maybe I should actually thank you.”

  
  


The way Junhui had said that with such honesty and simplicity makes Minghao’s heartbreak. It completely shatters. He had caused so much pain in one human being. The human being he promised himself he would love forever. 

  
  


“Jun, no. What I said, everything. Everything I said that night was a lie. I didn’t mean any of it. I was tired and angry and I know that shouldn’t account for anything, but you really need to know that it wasn’t true. They were lies made out of thin air. I’ve hurt you so much and I am honestly so sorry.” 

  
  


Minghao is crying. Junhui is crying. And they just stay like that for a couple minutes. 

  
  


“Really?” Junhui quietly asks through his hiccuping.

  
  


Minghao rubbed his face. “Of course. Jun, I’m honestly so sorry.”

  
  


Junhui rubbed his eyes hard, but a small smile graced his face. His eyes are rimmed red and so is face. But despite that his eyes are sparkling and a small amount of the tension that had sat upon his shoulders had fallen. His plaid pajamas are crushed and wrinkles and his hair is a mess, and it might be that Minghao never truly stopped loving him, but he looks perfect.

  
  


“Jun, I know I don’t deserve it, but I really would like to be your friend again. And I know that might be hard, so you could even just be friends with the others again and that would be enough for me. I just want to see you happy again.” 

  
  


Junhui’s soft smile grew ever so slightly. “I already said that it was okay. Plus I would really like that. Being friends again. With you and all the others. I would like it. It’s just, um, I don’t know.” 

  
  


“What?”

  
  


“I don’t really know how to be like the old Jun, I’ve, you know, I've changed.” His voice is quiet again and his smile had fallen from his face. 

  
  


Minghao offers him a smile. “That’s okay. We like you for you, so don’t worry.” 

  
  


Junhui slowly gives him a full smile and Minghao’s heart slowly starts to rebuild itself.

  
  


Maybe everything was going to be okay. 


	2. note

to anyone that cares, im going to edit and rewrite a little bit of this story. i hadnt read it since i wrote it in december and rereading it made me wanna fix these things. hopefully ill have refixed it by tomorrow :)

lots of love

**Author's Note:**

> so i hope that you enjoyed reading this. i know its not really good, but i tried so yeah. lol
> 
> im also sorry if there are any typos or mistakesss. i triedddd.
> 
> this is going to be a two parter so please look out for the second part.
> 
> love you guys lotss :))
> 
> if you want come over to my twitter and tumblr
> 
> twt: junniehuiwen  
tum: thefelixlee
> 
> :)


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